We talk to a lot of adult children who have promised a parent, years ago, that they would never let them go into a home. The promise was made in good faith at a kitchen table when everybody was well. Then the situation changed and the promise did not.
What the promise meant
Usually it meant: I will not abandon you. Arranging good care at home, or eventually in a good facility, is the opposite of abandonment. It is the promise kept in the form the situation allows.
What guilt does
It makes people delay getting help until there is a crisis, at which point the choices are worse and more expensive. It makes them refuse respite until they are ill themselves. It does not help the parent at all.
What helps
Talking to somebody who has seen a hundred families do this. Getting a written plan so the worry has edges. Taking one afternoon a week for yourself and not apologising for it. And, for what it is worth, hearing from us that you are doing a hard thing well.
